It Is Okay To Be Not Okay
I was suffering from depression last year. At first, I thought suicidal thoughts were normal to have and they will pass by. Everything around me from a distant visual was great. And, on all those moments, I felt guilty for not been able to cherish whatever I had. I was already sad, and the guilt and anger I had for myself took me on a downward spiral every single day.
One day, after opening up to my boyfriend, I teared up and he insisted me to go to therapy. With all the stigma around therapy, I was afraid and kept on questioning myself if its worth or not. Even thought to myself, what would people think of me? How will I open up? Maybe things are just temporarily sad in my life, and it will get better. But, it didn’t. It was a struggle to do anything in a day. I would sit on my bed watching some TV show for endless number of hours and shut off from everything around. Nothing brought joy. And I was good at hiding it from everyone I met. But, there were a few times when I thought of how I can die by suicide or what steps I would take, I got scared and took a huge leap to start going to therapy.
It took me months to open up and express what I was feeling to my therapist. It took me weeks to be able to do anything by myself. It took me so much time to be okay with my feelings. It took me time to say that its ok to be not okay. It took me time to be not okay. It took me time to be not okay.
Fast forward to this day, I have improved (which I once thought was impossible). I am learning to love myself and be the person I am. I am learning to be grateful to whatever I am and to the people who have supported me to reach this space. I am learning to appreciate myself. I am learning how to be not okay. I have really bad days still, but now, I can handle it a bit better. I am gravely sad on a few days, but now, I can better understand my feelings. I am grateful to everyone in my journey who helped me through this.
I am writing this piece because I know so many of us struggle with this. I cannot truly fathom what you may be going through, but I understand. I know taking the first step was the toughest decision I made. The first step to reach out to someone and tell them how you feel. Reach out to your friends or family, read about it online or talk to a therapist. Take it at your pace, but please remember there’s hope. Whatever you’re going through, its okay to feel this way. It’s okay.