Depression. I tried to dodge this term for a very long time in my life. Always thought that it was such a heavy word, that I shouldn’t use it for myself. Even after losing interest in doing anything, even after crying alone for no reason, even after raging with anger over small things and even after having suicidal thoughts. I used to think that I didn’t need help, people who suffer through depression probably go through more issues. I thought to myself that I was just procrastinating and nothing else.
I smiled with strangers around me, then looked for a corner to feel my sadness. I went out with my friends, only to come back and cry to sleep. I used to go for my classes and work, but I could feel my efficiency plummet. I wasn’t able to form a proper sentence (because of the anxiety I had around people). Even then, it was funny how everyone around me thought my life was perfect. Pick one criterion of a perfect life, and I will have that. If only I could explain what I felt within.
I distinctly remember spring break time — when I turned down several plans just to stay in my room and do nothing. I would reason it out by saying I have work to do, or I need ‘me’ time but to be honest, it was just getting out of bed which was tough.
Then, it opened up.
Since February, my boyfriend knows most of what I am going through. I suck at expressing myself, and so I used to tell him things in small bits. We didn’t know what to do then. It was after a month or so, he understood my condition and was there to just hang around to let me through this phase. I started going to therapy, I started medications and did small things to help myself improve.
Imagine what if hadn’t taken that first step? I probably would have been on my bed, distanced myself from my dear ones and ruminating my decisions. I probably wouldn’t have been working at a great firm. Ah, those probable scenarios still give me goosebumps. Although many of you might know about this. I know what it feels like. I know it's like another person blabbering the same thing that you might have heard from many others.
But. IT IS IMPORTANT.
It is important to repeat this over and over again! TAKE THE FIRST STEP.
It is important to understand the depth and significance of taking the first step. I cannot stress over it enough. I don’t think I am completely myself again, but now I have few people who keep a check on me constantly because they care and love me. Those people understand my situation and are the ones who are still helping me out of it.
Please take the first step. Please let even 1% of your feelings out to someone. Please remember that you’re important.
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This issue is very close to me. I am figuring out ways on how to connect with people who are silently going through depression. I want to pass on the message on how it is ok to talk about it. Happy to hear any ideas!